Friday, September 2, 2011

No longer a child ! - Ruba Monzir

Dear father,
I am not writing to ask about you, as I know you are safe where you are!
Neither am I writing to tell you how much tired my mum has been since you have gone!
I’m just writing because I need to talk with you, to tell you how badly I miss you..
I know the words of my letter will never be lightened by your sight. They can never be held by your kind hands, just like my other letters. I know they are all beyond the postman experience!
I wonder if you miss us, if you can hear me when I talk to you every night before sleeping!
I can feel your palm wipes my tears every night. I can see you wherever I look. I still can hear you clapping for me when I sang a full-of-mistakes song!
Daddy, I have never sung since you have gone!
You were asking me “how was your Eid” after every Eid. To tell you, this Eid, I didn’t enjoy the swings, while I was rushing with my siblings to have a turn on that big high swing in our narrow overcrowded street. I didn’t like the sweets as every Eid. I didn’t buy new clothes even.
My mother bought (Ali) new t-shirt and trousers, as he is the youngest and will like to have some, but daddy can you believe? Ali refused to wear them. He suddenly burst into tears and said, “ if baba is not going to give me (edeia), why should I wear new clothes?”!!
Ali has never liked guns and pistols. You know he used to be a very peaceful young boy. But can you imagine? The only toy he bought this Eid was a gun!!!
He once asked my mother, “Where is baba?” She replied, “In Paradise”
He does not know what the word “Paradise” means. He went to his room for some time, and came back to mum. Ali asked, “Mum, where is paradise?”
“In the sky” mum said.
That day, Ali kept looking at the sky endlessly. My mother asked, “what’s up Ali?”
He said, “I want to see daddy, he must appear”!!!
I was asking all the time, and sometimes your answer was, “I’ll till you when you grow up”
Once a talking, you told me, “When you grow up, I will buy you a cell phone”
“When you grow up, you will be a beautiful bride!”
I was asking my self, how can I grow up more quickly? When will I become the grown-up that my father tells her every thing with no when-you-grow-up statement?
Daddy, I have never thought of something that will make me grow up 10 years or more in only one day! My grief of your loss has made me that grown-up you told me about!
I am no longer a child; I started to understand many things you wanted to tell me when I grow up.
Daddy, I grew up, but you were not here!

I was asking my mother every morning, “whom you made the second cup for?” and she was not answering.
My mother is still making two cups of coffee every morning, but I stopped asking her!

I’m sure I’ll write for you again just like what I do every night, and I’m sure that you know every thing without reading my letters.
I love you Daddy..

by: Ruba Monzir

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